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You've all tried to kill me.
You've all tried to hurt me.
You've all tried to make me go away.
You've all tried to tell me I was nothing.
You've all tried to tell me I'm fatally flawed, useless, worthless, hopeless and outclassed.

You have made me feel shame, regret, fear, despair, grief; endless, incessant anxiety, and a longing for death.
I have thrown many days and weeks in my finite hourglass of life down into a well of tears, and torn the palms of my hands with a knife.

...But here I stand. Here I say to you: you have failed.

I will not die. I will outlive you all, and die an old man, warm in my bed, next to a loving, worthy, eternally kind-hearted one, who is not blinded by my flaws, who can appreciate my spectacular, eternally consuming desire to love, laugh, give, and serve.

I will not wear your wounds forever. I will heal, and when I heal, I will forget you, and you will only be recalled when it is time to tell stories of sorrow and grief and sad things.

I will not ever give up, nor will I stop trying. I will achieve whatever I wish, and have a happy, fulfilling life, despite your enormous unjust efforts to ensure my perpetual misery.

I will never believe I am anything less than a kind, intelligent, handsome, talented, worthy, generous, and above all, GOOD man, worthy of TRUE love...and I will NEVER settle, nor will I cut my losses and consider the scraps, bones, and crumbs you once threw me in the past as an adequate substitute for a genuine relationship.

I will continue to fight my challenges until my dying breath, I will never surrender to self-pity or complacency. It is an inevitability that I will improve myself in every which way it is possible for an imperfect human being to strive for improvement. The man I will be in five years will only be overshadowed by the man I will be in ten, and I will never, ever, accept for one tiny fraction of a second that there is ever a mistake so fatal, that it cannot be overcome by sheer perseverance.

I will have a life filled with proud satisfaction at my achievements, my love's achievements, and the lives we make both separate and together. I will live hundreds of thousands of stories, all bursting at the seams with joy at their notion of retelling. I will have a secure, safe existance within the bountiful confines of a beautiful family that loves to love. I will always know that there are always happy, amazing experiences just around the next rise, ready to be lived. I will wield my stories as both shield and sword against the forlorn misery of loneliness, and surround myself with those who currently love in abundance, rather than the sorrowful ghosts of dead, murdered love; selfishly throttled in its crib, to fulfill hateful, self-centred personal interests. I will be a comfort to all around me who feel weary and worried, and their love will be my rock, and my salvation. I will live a life so filled with joy and beauty, that even the most crushing, overwhelming days can be overcome with the expectation of something beautiful.

And you will never share in that bountiful joy, hope, beauty, and happy tears....By your own choice, and by your own hand, have you turned your back on me, and deemed me unworthy to share my soul with yours.

You can take my words....
 
...and do with them what you like. Forget all about ever reading them if you wish. But you cannot come and tell me that your life would have been different, had I simply told you these things earlier...

You've heard them now.

I have no idea if this will become a legendary forward, I doubt it...but this...is by far the best thing I have ever read on the subject...I hope it can promote understanding of what it is like to be me...and others just like me...all day...every day of our lives:
 
Things Neuro-Typical People take for Granted, that people with Asperger's Syndrome deal with incessantly
 

this thing has to go.

It is nothing but bile and dreck and horrid things...I think I'll delete it soon...but on the other hand...perhaps I should keep it to remind me...

The last thing in the world I want to do is repeat my previous mistakes.
So let me get this straight...

One...I repeat ONE...

ONE LONELY STUPID ITTY BITTY MORONIC TERRORIST...

...is FOILED in the attempt...

and all of a sudden...

because the whiny, bitchy, bratty, selfish brats to the south of us are kicking and screaming and throwing a tantrum and demanding it...

WE CANADIANS...are now not allowed any sort of liquids whatsoever on the plane...?

all because YOU AMERICANS have decided to make terrorists the new communists?

Guess Your government got tired of you not fearing the bomb anymore, and gets antsy when you guys actually begin to recognize what rampant idiots you've elected to the most powerful positions in your nation.

I can't even take a goddamn bottle of wine to England, all because of YOUR rules...and our stupid prime minister who is so desperate to please you for some bizzare reason...

WELL, THANKS A HEAP, YOU PARANOID, SELFISH, INCONSIDERATE, PANTOPHOBIC JERKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A break...finally

"Got a toothbrush? We're going to London."
"Do you hear that, Doug? I'm coming to London!"
"London?"
"Yeah, London"
"London?"
"Yes, London! You know: fish, chips? cup 'o tea? Bad food, worse weather, Mary-fucking-Poppins, LONDON!!!"

Without a doubt...the worst birthday of my life...

My brother and my sister both made me cards telling me they loved me...

and all I could do was cry...

I've failed everyone I know...and at everything I tried this year...

I had one wish...and I blew out the candles...

I wished...

that god would let me take this year back...and start again ><.

I've had it...

This is not to anyone in particular, so if you're offended anyways, it's your own problem. If you see a bit of yourself in this post...well maybe it's still your problem and not mine....

The world and my world has gone insane. I'm sick and tired of everyone having their life changing revelations and then they immediately bitch and whine and complain that nobody else in the world has a clue about anything except for them. They then proceed to talk down to you like a child because they've figured out all their shit and "You haven't figured out yours, so what's wrong with you? You can't be my friend or even deign to talk to me until you have a life-changing daily-affirmation self-help chicken-soup-for-the-soul bullshit exercise in mental masturbation and splutch your load all over everyone around you!" LISTEN UP UNIVERSE!

YOU CAN'T LIVE MY LIFE FOR ME. AND YOU'RE SURE AS HELL NOT GOING TO DICTATE HOW I LIVE IT, BECAUSE WHATEVER IS WORKING FOR YOU ISN'T GOING TO MAKE A DAMN BIT OF DIFFERENCE ON MY PLANET! 

Sure, I couldn't live your life, but you couldn't live mine, no matter how fucking easy you think it is, no matter how much you look down on me and think you know it all. You couldn't do it. I'm just going to stop talking about my problems to my friends, because they still see it as me begging them to solve my problems for me, and I'm sick and tired of being accused of that. So I want to talk to you...yes, now you're obligated and I'm pressuring you. silly me, I thought we were just having deep discussions because that's what friends do. So here it is...

I LIKE having a boyfriend and being in love...
NO I DON'T LIKE the chaos that comes with it...
NO I SURE AS FUCK AM NOT DOING IT TO MYSELF, AND YOU'RE A FUCKING ASSHOLE/BITCH FOR THINKING SO. THERE ARE TWO PEOPLE INVOLVED YOU KNOW...MAYBE GO YELL AT THEM EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE.

And...this may come as a shock to you enlightened nirvana-achievers, but some of us have DIFFICULTY telling our hearts what to feel and our minds what to think...so sometimes, when you're in love, you do things that might seem boneheaded to others...but we don't REGRET them because that's just what happens when you love someone...

I don't tell you you're a cold fish, and doomed to mediocre, unfulfilling relationships because you're un-passionate and apathetic, do I?
Not just because it's wrong, despite my inclination to think so...but because maybe that's not what you WANT out of life...

if I can realize that, why can't you?

Maybe having a spouse and a family is all I've ever truly aspired for...

...fuck the career and the school and the fame and the money...

I let you chase your dream...let me chase mine...

so I hope that if the whole entire long haul with Aaron put you off...that you'll consider changing the way you feel about it in relation to me...because with each successive boyfriend...and husband...for that matter...it's only going to get worse as I learn what my limits as a person are...I have realized that...I am a romantic fool...and a nut...and I am inclined to moon over people like Romeo...and I'm usually going to put all my energy into relationships...

...because that's what I want. I want what my grandparents had...and what my mother is still working hard to achieve...and what my father had in the last years of his life...

A loving spouse and partner to stay with through the thickest of the thick and the thinnest of the thin...and a family around me...endlessly stirring up trouble and chaos...

...and I want my stories to be told to the seventh generation that comes long after I'm gone from this earth...about how Great-Great-Great-Great-Great Grandfather Isaac did something one day that helped everybody in the family out and made everyone laugh and feel better about themselves...

...and he went to Japan.

so maybe I haven't figured out the great colossal truths that you have...

...but maybe I've figured out that nothing beats having someone's arms around you on a cold winter's night...

..what more do I need to know?

Graveyard of dreams...

I'll never be rich.
I'll never be famous.
I'll never find love.
I'll never feel worth anything.
I'll never love myself.
I'll never feel inner peace.
I'll never be a father.
I'll never have grandchildren.

I've never had a boy ask me to dance.
I've never had a boy buy me a drink.
I've never had a prom.
I've never had a graduation.
I've never had a wedding.
I've never had someone come up and tell me I was handsome...
I've never had a boy make the first move...

I've never had anyone come visit me.
I've never had anyone defend me from their parents.
I've never been picked over another...
I've never had anyone who wanted to work to see me...

I've never been chased after...

I'll never be chased after...

I need to forget him...

I need a box to put him in and forget about him...
...Aaron calls...and asks me to tell his new boyfriend that it's really over between us and he has nothing to fear from me...

...so not only do I get to picture him in someone elses arms, watching fireworks...I get to imagine what a jerk he's telling him I am right now...and...

I get to do it all by myself...

...I was flabbergasted...I said "I don't fucking believe this"...and he hung up...

...just like that...

...the famous firey temper of Aaron rears it's ugly head...I bet he's telling him how often I've failed him and everything...and he's in his arms...

...

...

...god, how I wish I was dead...