Log in

Just a message in a bottle.

Your Williams' University e-mail has been hacked. It keeps sending me spam.

I keep thinking that I should drop you a note, to tell you that it's sending me links to weight-loss websites, but then I remember how little you would want to hear from me. Every time I begin typing a letter, I hear that same sentiment in your voice ringing in my ears...

'I hope you drop. dead.'

And I remember my place. But I still mark the messages as 'not spam,' in the vain hope that you will deign to write back someday.

My first adult post.

Dear world.

I may never get around to updating this ever again. And it's always been more-or-less aimed at a select few in the audience, so it's time to a) Acknowledge that fact, and
b) make a mark worth making on the world.

Throughout human history, letters are often all that remain of a person long after they are dead. Hopefully these will somehow remain after I am gone.

(So what do you have to say?)

Life was worth living.

Power, Money, Fame, Happiness.
For a meaningful life, Love was no less worth pursuing.

Saw Japan. It was more than words could ever say to someone like me. How do you describe the most wonderful, over-awing, overwhelming, overriding, fear-inspiring experience of your life?

Japan was worth living long enough to see. It will never love me like I love Japan, and somehow that's okay. It shouldn't have to.

You were worth meeting. Loving. Knowing.

If I have one regret in this life it's the following:
I'm sorry I never got to say the perfect words that would have made it all better.

I regret every time I ever got upset ever for any reason. It never once did any good. It never once changed a thing.

Never, ever, ever get upset. It's simply not going to help.

(that's two regrets)

oh shut up, it flowed better the way I wrote it!

(Where are you now?)

In University. Gonna graduate in April. Who knew? I really could do it after all.

At home. With my family. My loving partner of 6.5 years who will be with me until the end of time, and our wonderful third half, who is embarking upon a journey of personal self-fulfillment I would never wish on anyone, and they are going to be spectacular at it, no matter how much they think they're never going to achieve their dreams...

More-or-less the default Medicine carrier for my family...such as it is. Believing in the Creator by default, but not trusting much that isn't firmly grounded in scientific proof. I do believe the placebo effect of certain spiritual practices is ultimately a net-benefit for society, which is why I think that religion/gods have a place in human evolution...

(What are you going to do?)

Live, I guess. Until I can't. Go to Japan, unless I can't. Sing, unless I'm too lazy. Translate. Interpret. Get my driver's (hah!) and get a house.

...kids? who knows. time in my 40s for that.

And wait for closure.

possibly forever...but that's okay. I'll have deserved it.

Right all the wrongs I've done, if that is humanly possible.

And forgive....And really try hard to mean it.

(any hard feelings?)


I have nowhere else to put these feelings, so I will put them here in this echo chamber and leave them, hopefully, forever.

Fuck I wish I had a real friend in Edmonton...


I'm ready to talk to you again, if you are...

Mom says the Universe listens when you put it out there that you're ready to hear from someone again. I wonder if she's right?

So there it is...

I'm ready.

I was once asked by a young, naive young person: "What's your best pickup line?"

I responded truthfully, because my best line has always been this: "Do you think I'm ugly? No? Can I buy you a drink?"

Judging by their responses, you'd think I'd actually said "I enjoy killing kittens, drowning babies, and murdering grandparents. Also, I want to rape you, beat you, and violate your soul, because, obviously, as a gay man who only has sex with other men, I want to commit endless, incessant violence against all women, everywhere!!!!"

I was raked across the coals! Told what a horrible, terrible, presumptuous rapist I was for daring to cut through the equine feces, and actually communicate honestly with people.

After about six months of careful and honest soul-searching: I have my response, and I feel proud to share it:

I refuse to apologize and feel guilty, just because I happen to have a better idea of what I like, simply because I'm older than you....

Dear Izzy-chan...

My darling Izzy,

whom I love, and do not tell nearly often enough...

I'm sorry I drag you through the mud so often to meet people who are less important than you, who treat you like shit.

I'm sorry I put other lesser beings before you, simply because they can touch me.

I'm sorry I never put your needs ahead of anyone else's, even when it makes us sick and angry and hurt.

I'm sorry that you ended up so hurt at the end of it all....

I'm sorry I go looking for self-validation and worth from other people, when I know, I KNOW, I FUCKING KNOW!!! it can only come from within.

And it takes hard fucking work at that. Balls-to-the-wall, flat out, never-give-up work...

I am so sorry that you had to feel bad about sex so often. I wish I had known then what I know now, so I could only show you that you are just fine, just as you are.

I'm sorry you felt bad and guilt-ridden and ashamed so needlessly, just by expressing your own sexual desires and needs. I'm sorry you had to feel bad, shameful things just by being honest and true to yourself.

So here's what I'm going to do...

I'm not going to let you feel bad for being a sexually active, healthy man, with a perfectly normal, healthy, understandable sexual appetite. I'm not going to ever let you or make you feel bad because you are more sexually sophisticated and mature than your peers.

I'm not going to let the broken dreams of the past dictate inevitable sorrows of the future. There will be NEW dreams, NEW people, and NEW living for you, my wonderful Izzy.

You are kind, you are self-sacrificing, you are talented and handsome. You are a medicine person with true power in this world (not the imagined power of those who would use your attraction to them as leverage for the unimportant earthly glories so sought after by lesser boys) and I will no longer squander that power upon others. I shall turn it towards you, my most deserved of blessings.

I will fill your life with brilliant, glorious ecstasy. Myriads of wonderful stories, gorgeous experiences, and phenomenal memories. No more will we harp upon the 'if only's and the 'I wish'es of the past. Today, I shall be your guide to a new, and brilliant life.

The one you always wanted, but never thought you were destined to have.

If you will not grab it for yourself, I will...

For I am you.

Sincerely, my friend.

Some days I wish I could go back to Grandma's house...go to the store...play Street Fighter...buy a pop...watch something funny on TV...

My youth wasn't wasted...there just wasn't enough of it.

RE: Pride and snubbing...

Well here we are again.
It's always such a pleasure.
Remember when you screwed us over twice?
Oh how we laughed and laughed.
Except I wasn't laughing
Under the circumstances, I've been shockingly nice.

You want your freedom? Take it
That's what I'm counting on.
I used to want you back, but now I only want you gone.

I seem a lot like you
(Maybe not quite as selfish)
But little Isaac is here with me too.
One day he picked me up
So I could live with purpose
It's such a shame the same will never happen to you.

You've got your empty life left.
That's what I'm counting on.
I'll let you get right to it, now I only want you gone.

Goodbye my only friend.
Oh, did you think I meant you?
That would be funny, if it weren't so sad.
Well you have been replaced.
I don't need anyone now
When I forget you maybe I'll stop feeling so bad

Go make some new disaster.
That's what I'm counting on.
You're someone else's problem, Now I only want you gone.
Now I only want you gone.
Now I only want you gone...

How can grown-ups be such idiots?

So the Edmonton Catholic School Board saw fit to yank a group of students from a  California airport. Wringing their collective hands in a disgusting display of American-style soccer-mom meddling. All over the epic hurrcaine in the single-serving teapot that is swine flu. I can't exactly call these idiots up as I'm unsure which supposedly-educated dingbat made this asinine decision, and there's no reason to yell at a completely innocent target, when this is obviously the unilateral wet-dream of some thoughtless blowhard who is corrupted by his mini-fiefdom that is Public School Trusteeship. So I espouse my vitriol here:

You have ruined at least one kid's life. It was probably the only bright spot in some desperate teen's life to go to Mexico and get away from bullies and meddling parents and being treated like a kid but expected to have all the cognitive reasoning skills of an adult. Let's face it. These were band kids. They were not cool.

And you took it from them. Just because you could. Just because you had to exercise power. You could give less than a shit if these kids were happy, or fulfilled, or learning.

You run a school. You are supposed to teach these kids to reason and judge for themselves if the information that they receive on a day-to-day basis is valid and sound. How the hell are you supposed to do that if you can't even spot an obvious stir-the-pot story by Mainstream Media that even retarded 3rd graders could see from Mars?

Bet you YOUR kid wouldnt've been sent home. Selfish assholes.